Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

Are the Babies on Aisle Four or Six?

on September 10, 2012
I have finally found something I cannot purchase at a store, garage sale, antique mall, flea market, or on Craigslist. Well, maybe not that last one.

I  cannot pre-order a custom-made kiddo for arrival at a time of my choosing.

I cannot put a little one on layaway.
And I cannot scan a barcode on a baby’s bum as I stroll out with my bullseye bag. Neither can you. We have to make them, from scratch, at home.  Betty Crocker has yet to come up with a recipe for this one.
If only infants were as easy to come by as pit pull puppies, queen mattress sets, or people who repair cracked iPhone screens. I see those bootleg signs all over town. “Adorable babies. Created uniquely with your genes. Call now!” I’m still searching for that one…

Am I the only one wishing that one-night-stand scare back in college came to fruition just to prove I’m actually fertile? …Crickets…Got it. I don’t either.

I’ve asked around to get a better feel for the baby market and it seems as though there’s a little secret after all.  Ladies, all we have to do is “Relax and it will happen. Just don’t think about it.” Maybe this is the key to life in general.
Let’s see how we can apply this steadfast rule.
1. Your job sucks. Don’t think about it.
2. You’re overweight. Just relax.
3. Your grandmother is terminally ill. It will happen.
4. Your dog is barking incessantly. Don’t think about it.
5. Your house is a pig stye. Just relax.
So there we have it girls! Discontinue your search for The Baby Outlet. Just relax and don’t think about anything. Be lazy, thoughtless, and dispassionate.  Instead of focusing on what matters most in your life, refocus your energy on finding ways to shut these insensitive, naive a**holes up!
Um, if you do happen to find a store offering newborns, please call me. I’ll meet you there!

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