Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

I hate ants.

on September 16, 2012

I’m not an overly religious person.  I grew up going to church – but I was a seasonal Christian.  My family went to church mainly in the Fall and Winter, because we had a lake house and spent nearly every weekend there in the Spring and Summer.  My dad’s theory was he could talk to God just as easily on a quiet lake alone in his fishing boat as he could in a room full of people praying at the same time.  I kind of think he had a point.

I have beliefs, some stronger than others.  And I pray, often not for days at a time, but I pray.   When I do pray, I seem to ask a lot of questions.  Why?  When?  What?  How?  Why?  Why?  Why?

I am very grateful for the friends that I have who are stronger in their faith than I am.  Sometimes talking to them gives me hope.  Makes me want to trust God more.  They always say, “Let go, and let God.”  When you’re TTC, that’s really hard to do.  Because aside from Mary, I don’t know of any other instances of immaculate conception.  So, I can only ‘let go’ so much in this journey.  And I can’t really “Let God” take care of bidness for me when it’s time for DH and I to adhere to the ovulation schedule.   You just can’t.

My friends mean well with their counsel.

Trust in God’s time.  Not your time.

Let go, and let God.

Sara waited 100 years before God gave her a baby.

As I cry to a close few friends about repeated miscarriages and feelings of loss, I know they mean well when they say all of those things.  I know they are saying it from the heart and for lack of anything else of comfort to say.  But sometimes, I just want to hear them say, “Damn.  That sucks.  I don’t understand it either.”

I stumbled on this great email today, and finally felt like someone else gets it.  The title caught my eye:  Please Don’t Give Me a Christian Answer.

Here’s an excerpt:

I love Jesus. I love God. I love His Truth. I love people.

But I don’t love packaged Christian answers. Those that tie everything up in a nice neat bow. And make life a little too tidy.

Because there just isn’t anything tidy about some things that happen in our broken world. The shooting that recently happened in Aurora, Colorado, is awful and sad and so incredibly evil.

And God help me if I think I’m going to make things better by thinking up a clever Christian saying to add to all the dialogue. God certainly doesn’t need people like me — with limited perspectives, limited understanding, and limited depth — trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense.

And when things are awful we should just say, “This is awful.” When things don’t make sense, we can’t shy away from just saying, “This doesn’t make sense.” Because there is a difference between a wrong word at the wrong time, and a right word at the right time.

Read the rest of her story to find out how “I hate ants” helped her cope with tragedy.

As I continue on this emotional TTC journey,  next time someone gives me a “Christian Answer” when I just need to kick the ground and grieve, I’m going to think, “I hate ants.”  And then give my friend a hug for trying.

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