Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

I just gave Judd Apatow his next movie scene (aka, there’s nothing romantic about TTC)

on September 25, 2012

In pop-culture – movies, TV, books – getting pregnant is portrayed in one of two ways:

1) A beautiful miracle resulting from a gloriously romantic night of passion, love and plans for a future.  One beautiful night, followed by one simple pregnancy test read together sitting on the edge of the bed, a single tear trickling from your eye.

2) A hilarious train wreck as scripted by Judd Apatow.

I’m pretty sure after this weekend, Baby #2’s baby book will mysteriously be missing the “where you were conceived” page.

I’ve already told you about my baby-making lab – the OPKs, the BBT thermometer, pee cups, Preseed and after-sex pillow.  So, you know that this journey hasn’t been one fit for a Lifetime movie.

This weekend, I hit an all-time low.

     Friends, that is my OPK strip.  Stuck to the side of my bathtub.

    I was feeling under the weather, and wanted to take a bath.  While the water was running, I POAS and brought it with me to the tub to await the reading.  I guess I sloshed some water and the OPK went overboard.  I couldn’t find it anywhere, and thought for sure it was going to circle me like a tiny little boat in the tub.  As I got out, I saw it stuck to the side of the tub.  All.time.low.

You might be obsessed with TTC if you take your OPKs to the bathtub with you.

As I regained my composure (and promptly texted Sunnyside with my faux paus), I thought to myself, “Wow.  I’ve hit an all-time low.  It doesn’t get any worse than this.”

Oh, I was wrong.

My ovulation has been completely jacked this cycle.  After TEN days of fertile CM, and four days of positive OPKs, I still have not ovulated.  But, I was pretty sure that this weekend would be our last opportunity before the O-ship sailed.  We were unable to get busy on Saturday or Sunday due to family staying at our house.  Last night, both DH and I were under the weather and agreed we’d go to sleep and BD first thing this morning before work, and before our 4-year-old woke up.  DH had a migraine last night, so he slept in the guest room in an effort to let me sleep.  He slinked in at 6:30am and said so romantically, “Are we gonna do this or what?”

I sighed and said, “Yes, let’s get to it before he wakes up.”

We proceeded to fire up the baby lab.  Preseed inserted, sex pillow in place, let’s do it.  As SOON as we started getting busy (in a spooning position), we hear our bedroom door open.  In walks little man, dragging his blanket behind him.  Half-asleep, he just crawled into bed next to me and went back to sleep.  DH and I were frozen like two dogs stuck together and didn’t know what to do.  So, I did what I always do in awkward situations.  I start giggling.

And DH’s little friend retreated in humiliation.  Clearly we couldn’t go on with little man asleep in the bed with us.  That was just… wrong… even for Judd Apatow.

This is truly our last dance of the month…all signs point to this being our last chance for another two weeks.   Carpe Diem!

So I whisper-bark, “Go to the bathroom.  Go!  I’ll meet you in there!”

Confused, and totally disturbed, DH runs to the bathroom.  I get ready to get up and little man sleepily says, “Where you going?”  I tell him to go back to sleep, I’m just going to potty.

I meet DH in the bathroom and lock the door behind me.  We stare at each other for a minute – him buck naked; me only wearing a t-shirt.  Suddenly, I can’t stop laughing.  After looking around the bathroom helplessly, I take command of the situation and bend over to hold onto the side of the bathtub.

“C’mon.  Hurry let’s do this.  It won’t take long.”

Suddenly, DH can’t “perform” because he thinks little man can hear us on the other side of the door, even though he’s back asleep in our bed.  So, we retreat further to the toilet room in our bathroom and close that door.  The only thing to grab hold of is the toilet tank.  So, I do.  And, careful not to clear off the baby-lab provisions that reside on the window sill (Preseed, BBT thermometer, used pee cups, faded OPK strips, a fertility monitor), we try to knock this out in record time; but, he’s still afraid little man will hear us.  Things are not progressing.

So, I did the only thing that made sense to break the silence.  I flushed the toilet.

That did the trick.  We exited the bathroom, mentally recorded a little heart on our TTC chart, and went about our morning.

I realized at that moment that if this is a successful month for us,  I have just secured a life-long inferiority complex for Baby 2.  You, sweet child, were conceived in a moment of love and adoration … over the toilet.

Judd – you can have the rights to this storyline.  Just pay me enough to send this kid to therapy.

2 responses to “I just gave Judd Apatow his next movie scene (aka, there’s nothing romantic about TTC)

  1. 1suburbanchic says:

    LOL! You had me laughing out loud with this one!!

  2. Scrambled says:

    You have to laugh to keep from crying, I think… haha! I keep laughing replaying it in my own head. I have NO shame anymore!

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