Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

Breaking the loss silence

on October 4, 2012

In a previous post, Sunnyside talked about the silent struggle of trying to conceive – when month after month you are consumed with details and symptoms; tracking and charting; testing and analyzing.  It’s exhausting to wonder and research and deal with it in silence.

As October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I reflect on the silent struggle of pregnancy loss.  It’s hard enough keeping inside all the BFNs we receive, all the wishful thinking and two week wait anticipation.  But when you’re faced with a miscarriage, as I was, before you’ve even been able to celebrate your pregnancy with friends and family, it’s devastating.

It’s so unnatural – grieving alone.  When we lose parents, grandparents, friends we grieve publicly.  We take time off from work.  We are surrounded by comforting arms and words of those who love us, and we grieve.  We allow others to comfort us, heal us.

But with early miscarriages, we grieve alone.  Why?

Perhaps it is because of all of the well-meaning cliches we receive from those who don’t know what else to say.

At least it was early.

At least you already have one healthy child.

It’s natural.

You can try again.

Would any of those responses be acceptable in any other loss?

I’m sorry your lost your father.  At least your mother is still alive.

At least he was old. 

Death happens.

No one in their right mind would think to say such a thing.  Why is it ok in reference to an embryo?

I suffered a miscarriage at almost 6 weeks on Good Friday 2012.  I spent half a day in the ER alone due to excruciating pain and vomiting, only to be sent home to “wait it out”.  I went home and cried alone in my bed for the evening.  And then I woke up, and prepared for Easter lunch.  Because I was hosting, and I couldn’t let anyone know what I was enduring.  I put on a happy face, I cooked lunch, and I entertained 10 people in my house for Easter – through the cramping, through the spotting.  And life went on.

I’m still not over it.  I think about that loss and wonder what kind of child he or she would have been.  What magic he or she would have created in this world.  What kind of sibling he or she would have been for our son.

It may have “been early”, but it was real.

Sunnyside sent me the most amazing gift following my loss – it was small and precious, and has helped me cope “publicly” without having to talk about it. She’ll tell you about that next week, and give you a chance to receive one for yourself.

This doesn’t mean I now feel comfortable talking about it openly.  I’m not sure what will make that easier.  For now, this blog is my microphone and you all are my therapy.  I invite you to talk about it.  Here, if no where else.  Talk about it.  Get it out.  FEEL IT.

7 responses to “Breaking the loss silence

  1. What a wonderful post and it is very true, why do we do it alone?
    I had a miscarriage last Nov at 5wks. We never told anyone, it happened on a Sunday and I stupidly went work on the Monday and carried on. I never told work, family and only one friend. I would paste on the smile and then as soon as I was home alone I would go to the bathroom, run a bath and just sit and sob, it was so very hard and even though its just under a year ago it still hurts as you think what could of been.
    We should all discuss it more and why is it such a taboo subject to chat about. That is also why I have enjoyed setting up my blog, its has been amazing therapy so far!
    I send you lots of love and hugs from across the ocean, and anytime you need a friendly ear, you know where to find me!
    Debs xxxx

  2. Scrambled says:

    Thanks Debs! I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did what I did – you soldiered on. It’s what we’re programmed to do. I’m sorry you didn’t have any outlet for that. You do now. Thanks for sharing this with us and trusting us with it. We can’t wait to hear more from you… and I hope you have fun with that jumbo box of pee sticks 😀 — xoxo, Scrambled

    • Thank you my lovely. It felt good to actually address it, that is the first time I have done so honestly.
      My jumbo box is waiting happily up the corner all ready for a few weeks time…I shall try not to use them all 🙂 xx Debs xx

  3. […] cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive « Breaking the loss silence Oct […]

  4. sara says:

    I’m so sorry for what you went through. Several women in my life have miscarried, and while I witnessed their pain and felt awful alongside of them, I know it’s something a person can never truly understand without having experienced that loss. I can’t believe you hosted Easter lunch while going through it. That just shows you’ve got overflowing wells of strength inside of you.

  5. becomingmum33 says:

    I had a miscarriage 11yrs ago. I was young (21) and in a difficult place. I had left home at a very young age and had no relationship with my Mother (still don’t)I was working a 66hr week to make ends meet. I didnt know I was pregnant until the miscarriage started while I was at work. I was know my own in a portacabin in the middle of an industrial estate when the pain came. I rang my bosses wife and tearfully told her what was going on. Bless her she arrived 10mins later with a bucket, sponge and a set of clean clothes, waited for me to change and drove me to the doctors. The doctor told me what it was and sent me to the hospital. That was May 14th 2001 and I’ll never forget it 😦

    Not many people knew about it and I was obsessive with my contraceptives after that as I didn’t want it to happen again. Now Im with someone I truly love and want to have a baby but this is always there in the back of my mind. It’s so sad that it is so common and touches so many people

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