Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

Bringing Snarky Back

on October 20, 2012

Is it just me, or do we need to “bring snarky back” after all the stress and sad memories October handed us? I think so!

I want to hear the most ridiculous things people have said to you while you have been trying to conceive and what you WISH you would have said in return.

Let’s start with a few examples:

1) Maybe you should try to eat better.
How about you back the fuck off my frozen burritos and Texas Pete. I want my future baby to love Mexican food as much as I do!

2) You’re trying too hard.
You’re right. I’m trying very hard not to stab you in the face with a fork right now.

3) Are you sure you want a baby?
I’m as sure I want a baby as I am that you are an asshole. Are you sure you want that third donut, fatty?

4) Just have fun with it.
Do me a favor and pee on your hand accidentally everyday, inject lube into your peekachoo with a syringe, take your temperature every morning, stare at pregnancy tests until you’re cross eyed, watch everyone around you get pregnant without trying, and tell me exactly where I should squeeze in the fun?

5) God has a plan for you.
God and I already had this conversation, and we’re trying to come to a compromise. I asked him not to tell you what his plan was for me because you’re a meddling gossip. He agreed with me and said you should try to focus on yourself and his plan for you. Hint: He’s a little irritated and it’s not looking good.

6) Everything happens for a reason. 

The reason you are about to be slapped is because of your mouth. 

So what do you have for me ladies and gents?

6 responses to “Bringing Snarky Back

  1. gardengirl29 says:

    My friend (who conceived during her first month trying) told me, while she was smug and pregnant, that she was convinced that stress is the reason for most women’s problems getting pregnant, and that I just needed to “open myself up to a baby” and “laugh, live a little”! Luckily, she told me this over e-mail, so I had plenty of time to come up with a response. I told her that I was doing plenty of laughing, living, traveling, etc., and that I was actually feeling pretty un-stressed, and it still wasn’t happening. I probably should have told her that infertility causes stress, and not vice-versa.

  2. ivfmale says:

    It takes only one!

    Really?!? I did not know that. But I’m pretty sure you suck at math, because you obviously have no concept of statistics.

  3. It’s hard to pick just one.. “be glad your not a mom they are such a handful and drive you crazy.”

    You don’t know waht a blessing you have and that i would give everything to have what you have.

  4. Georgette says:

    Literally heard from a casual guy friend via text these gems today:
    “Could it maybe be the stress from your job? or how about jiu jitsu?”

    My response: No, I have a verifiable medical issue, and I haven’t trained jiu jitsu in months, and I certainly can’t quit work. But thank you for your concern.

    Then maybe couple hours later he texts me again and asks, “wouldn’t it just be cheaper to adopt? I always thought that’s what I would do.”

    My response: Wow, that’s a pretty insensitive thing to ask. What is it about this question that seems appropriate to ask? But in general NO, adoption is really expensive, and I don’t make these decisions on the basis of what’s cheaper, as NOT HAVING A CHILD AT ALL is clearly the cheapest, and for that matter I should probably move to Mexico or India if I want to live cheaply. What’s wrong with wanting my own genes? and in my near-extended family, we’ve already had an adoption-gone-very-badly story, so there’s no way we’re going to follow that path. But I know you probably think I’m going crazy to snap at you like this so I apologize, don’t mean to be offensive or hurtful. As I’m sure you didn’t mean to be.

  5. Oh, this whole post is so great! This weekend I was at a wedding and a fertile was going on and on to me about planning her current pregnancy around a trip to Disney. “When we heard my mother-in-law planned the trip for that week, we realized we needed to either go ahead and get pregnant or wait another couple months so I wouldn’t be huge at Disney!” Seriously? You can just decide “I think I’ll get pregnant this month” and it actually happens?! I did the nod and smile but wish I would have reminded her kindly but firmly that she is very fortunate to be able to do such a thing. Oi vey.

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