Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

The Anatomy of a Cycle

on November 15, 2012

Day 1: The bitch arrives with fury and my idea to not buy tampons and jinx myself is now officially the worst idea ever. I drag my puffy-eyed ass to the grocery store to buy tampons, wine, chocolate, frozen burritos, hot sauce, Little Debbie cakes, ibuprofen, and more wine. I curse my body, vitamins, and anyone who crosses my path. I’m gonna adopt another dog.

If only feminine products were this fun for us!

Day 3: I start to think of what I can do differently this time around. Exercise more? Nah. Eat better? Sure, I’ll try. More sex? Exhausting, but fine. I rattle off a dozen more ideas. SOB…why didn’t it work LAST time?! How creative and unrelenting do I need to be to get pregnant. I bet the pregnant sixteen-year-old down the street has a few tips. Bitch!

Day 6: Ahh. New hope. Order new OPKs and PreSeed online? Check! I’m going to try X,Y,Z this month. New possibilities! My smile has genuinely returned. I start temping again.

Day 9: The EOD sex begins until I start seeing fertility signs. Then it is on like donkey kong for a few straight days! I look up estimated delivery dates and think about how I might announce our pregnancy depending on holidays, etc. Inevitably, I find an excuse to buy MORE baby stuff to add the embarrassing collection I’ve amassed and stored in the guest room closet.

Day 12: I hope I ovulate like a normal person this time around. I don’t have the patience to wait another week. Hello? Egg? Come on! I begin to stalk TTC forums.

Day 15: Yay! Ovulation is near and I start to feel like this is THE month, as usual. OPKs are getting darker. I become best friends with my peekachoo and her CM rub the tatas far too often. Wheres that tell-tale slip ‘n slide?

Day 18: The Two Week Wait is in full swing and my chart finally confirmed an egg. Now, it’s hands off for a little while. No more legs in the air! Come on boys, get that egg!

Day 21: Only five days into the TWW and it’s already dragging. Too early to test, but not too early to obsess. I notice every twinge and watch my temps like a hawk. Pregnancy charts are now always open in a window on my iPad. “Mine looks like that!”

Note the title of her chart…of course!

Day 24: I think the little eggie implanted last night. I felt a sharp stab while I was playing online poker. This “baby” likes to gamble, too. I ask DH if I have a glow yet. He laughs and tells me I’m always glowing. Hmmff!

Day 27: I’ve probably gone through an easy ten tests by now. Every time I pee, I test. Then examine. Then obsess. Then reexamine with a flashlight and a magnifying glass. All BFNs damnit. That’s okay. It’s still early, despite the fact that every girl on the forums can get a positive at 9 or 10 DPO! Whatever. My baby’s just a late bloomer.

Day 30: Mild cramps are incessant and my temperature is dropping. I won’t give up. I research anything and everything related to each of my insignificant symptoms. I get pissed. Why the hell is this so hard?! I empty all the pregnancy tests from the shelves at Target, CVS, and the Dollar Tree. I try six brands and drop 80 bucks. B…F…N.   I cancel automatic emails from the TWW Buddy Groups. I can’t stand to hear another BFP announcement, or the “I’m not pregnant, but we weren’t really trying so I’m cool with it!” GFY (Did anyone decipher that last acronym? I’m going to hell.)

I imagine this kid punching me in the face every time I get a BFN

And it starts all over again…

And for future reference:

3 responses to “The Anatomy of a Cycle

  1. Megan says:

    Haha! Shark week! I’m going to pass that one on to my husband so he’s a bit more understanding. I also really like that pic of the two kids with the tampons, especially the face of the little boy in the striped shirt! I remember when we went in grade school to a health center to learn about our periods, they passed around a tampon and we all giggled when it came apart. Though I don’t remember being in AWE of feminine products like those two kids!

    As for your Day 30 acronym, I got it, and if you’re going to hell, so am I. We should meet up down there, have a party! 😉

  2. Omg thanks for sharing this post. You made me laugh my cookie off! I touch my boobs a million times a day!! Ha ha

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