Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

Just when I thought I’d heard it all…

on December 11, 2012

Tis the season for Christmas cards, holiday parties and seeing family you haven’t seen in a while.  The loving, caring, interested, nosy, entitled, uncensored family.

We’ve posted several times about the ridiculous things people say to you about having a baby.  Whether it’s the “helpful” advice about how to get past your infertility issues or the Spanish inquisition about why you haven’t had a baby (or another baby), one thing is for sure.  Most people are annoying.

Last weekend, I went to our annual extended family Christmas gathering.  I’m the youngest grandchild of a litter of kiddos.  I came from the youngest of seven siblings – so my aunts and uncles range from 85 on down to 60.  The older they are, the more ridiculous things they say.

I hugged the neck of my oldest aunt, and said, “Merry Christmas!”

She replied in her squeaky, nasally tone, “Are you done?”

“Done?  Done with… work?  My company is closed from Christmas Eve to the New Year – so, just a few more weeks.”

She looked confused.  “No.  Done having babies.”

Sigh. Queue canned answer that is only half true, but is the safest one I have:   “I don’t know… we’re just enjoying life, and enjoying [kiddo] while he’s small.  Maybe one day.”

She now looked confused, and annoyed.  “He’s too old!!  You’re waiting too long.  Don’t wait too long – or I’ll be dead before you have another one and I’ll never see it.”

I’ll.  Be.  Dead.

And as I try to digest this ridiculous conversation, her eyes fill up with tears.  She’s truly upset by the fact that she may die before I have another baby.  At which point, I just had to walk away, because guess what.  SO AM I.  I’m afraid I may die before I have another baby, too. 

So then, I sit down to eat dinner and am just glad to be away from that conversation.  I’m approached by one of my many first cousins – this one is in her early 50s, never married and living with her twin sister (also never married).  She asks, “Are you going to have any more babies?”

WHY THE HELL do people think it’s ok to ask this?  Why don’t they ask, “How’s work?” or “Do you like your new house?” or “Are you traveling for the holidays?”  Shit – I’d rather you ask, “Why’d you cut your hair?” or “What’s hanging out of your nose?” than to ask me if I’m having another baby.

I sigh, and reply again, “Maybe one day… we’re just enjoying him while he’s still young.  He’s so much fun, and we want to devote our time to him right now.”  To which she said, “But, he’s FOUR already.”     OH SHIT – really????  He’s FOUR?  How the HELL did I not know this?  Let me throw DH down next to the Christmas Ham and get things rolling NOW.

At this point, I’d had it, and I snapped, “Well, sometimes it’s not as easy to do as you may think.”

Her eyes got big and I saw the “Oh shit” flash through her head.   VICTORY!

She then softened and said, “I’m sorry.”  And then I felt it.  The prick of tears behind my eyes.  DON’T DO IT.  DON’T DO IT!

Damn it.  I did it.  I cried.  Fuck me.

And then she began asking sweet questions, and pointedly asked me if I’d miscarried.  So, I didn’t lie.  And she was kind.  It actually felt kind of good to talk about it.  The more I talk about it, the easier it seems to process it all.

It was in that moment that I realized something.  I don’t mind if people inquire… as long as they don’t do it like an asshole.

Progress.


4 responses to “Just when I thought I’d heard it all…

  1. 1suburbanchic says:

    Oh my gosh, I laughed through this… not laughing at you but because I know… I know that dreaded feeling all too well! I’m so sorry you have to go through this, its hard enough just having the questions and answers run through your own mind! Hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday season in peace!

  2. Courtney says:

    Reading this this morning made me tear up. These conversations are so hard. I will never understand how people think they need to make everything their business, especially when it comes to making babies.

    My mother would probably tell the next person she learns of who’s infertile that she “totally understands” because of my experience, but I guarantee you that she would say something so incredibly upsetting to the person – that it would make all of our heads spin. She almost feels entitled now to ask people if they’re struggling because I did.

    I just don’t understand. There’s no winning with these people.

    I think you handled things well!

  3. […] But, last week I was reminded of it harshly.  AF arrived with a vengeance at THE most insulting time possible (more on that later, because let me tell you – it’s a good story.  STILL pisses me off, but I have a feeling a few of it will find the humor in it.  I promise to post that story soon.  And yes, it was worse than this). […]

  4. […] Christmas, I promised to tell you how AF arrived in the worst possible way.  Well, here […]

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