Destination: Sanity

We are back on the baby-making train and I’m starting to look at and feel differently towards the whole situation. Last year was ruled by our desire to get pregnant, and if this takes another year or two, I don’t want to look back a see a giant PAUSE in my life. For heaven’s sake, women are fantastic multi-taskers, but why does this endeavor become so encompassing that we seem to achieve so very little otherwise?

We all know that in terms of actual time, trying to conceive is not very burdensome. Most of the things involved take only a matter of minutes to complete. Whether its testing, temping, dosing, or charting, we’re only looking at a few minutes a day. No big deal, right? Sex may or may not fall into this category, but we can probably all agree that three minutes can sometimes feel like forever–for both parties involved. I’m just sayin’.

If the actual process is not very time consuming then why are we so inundated and exhausted? We have created, and fed, this life/faith/time/energy-sucking monster! It is not a necessary inclusion. We think about it ALL the time! We are planning, researching, comparing, judging, googling, testing, questioning, recovering, preparing, and reading way too much, in my opinion. This is where the whole damn thing gets ugly. A good friend of mine often says, “over-analysis is paralysis,” and I believe I have paralyzed myself over the last year. Rarely a thought pops into my head that does not involve or lead to thoughts of a pregnancy or baby. Does all this extra time lead to better results in the end? Maybe. Perhaps, we are more educated, more in tune with our bodies and partners, and more understanding of others who similarly struggle. However, I believe the negative impacts outweigh the positive here. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of beating myself up, questioning my every move, acting/thinking selfishly, and doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. Isn’t that the definition if insanity? Aha! That’s what I’ve become. Insane. And I hate it.

Scrambled is definitely on to something here. I received my copy of Love and Infertility and I can’t wait to jump in head first. Having not read the book yet, I have a list of changes I’d like to make as I venture toward reclaiming my sanity.

1. No temping. My charts freak me out and blur reality.
2. Plan a pregnancy around my life, not the other way around. No more “I can’t travel that week because I’ll be ovulating.” I need to enjoy the present instead of trying to live in an idealistic future. Will missing one month really impact me enough that I need to prevent my life from happening? Nope.
3. No premature testing. I have wasted too much money to continue testing every time I pee from DPO 10-15. Enough is enough.
4. Start running again. I was a competitive runner all through high school and college and I miss it. Truthfully, I don’t miss the actual running, just the competitiveness and the stress-reduction benefits. Maybe this will help put me back in touch with my true self.
5. Think about OTHER people, and not from a “them v. me” point of view. Go out of my way to be there for others. My struggle is not the center of the universe!

I need to get a grip on my sanity. Pronto!

My sister and I used to go to garage sales with our grandparents growing up and have since adopted this pastime as a great way to bond on Saturday mornings. This is exactly how my out-of-control collection of baby items grew from a small box to an entire room. Last week, I thought it would be a nice gesture to reach out to someone in need of such things, someone who is actually pregnant, and donate some of what I’ve amassed. I went through all of the bins and had a hard time choosing what to give away. I held the little onesies in the air, rattled the toys, and rubbed the blankets against my cheek.

I started to feel jealousy creeping up as I searched and sorted. I was so attached to these material things, that I started to question the family in need. “Why give up my things, that I paid for with money I earned, to people who are not working and probably shouldn’t have a baby anyway?” What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me?! I have no problem donating clothes, household items, and my time for people in need for other reasons, yet I question someone in need because they have something I don’t have. Reality check! Am I someone who deserves a baby then? Am I acting in a “mothering” way by judging others and being selfish? Is this how I behave in non-baby-related situations? It’s embarrassing, really.

I slapped myself a few times, made a pile to give away, and called the soon-to-be parents in need. It was the right thing for me to do. When the time comes for us, I’ll buy what I need. They need it more than I do right now.

While at a garage sale this weekend, I overheard a woman haggling for lower prices on baby bottles and clothes. I was trying to avoid buying any more myself so I perused the non-baby stuff while they spoke.

“Ten dollars sounds great. I don’t actually have a baby yet. We have been trying for a while. I’m want to stay on a budget until I know if I can get pregnant,” she shared with the homeowner. “Please pray for us and thank you so much!” She was so open, happy, and optimistic.

Yes! I’m not the only one who shops WAY ahead of time. (Although, I’m not as brave. I usually pretend I’m buying for someone else’s baby.)

It’s nice to not feel all alone, especially when it comes to the silly things. 🙂 I feel her pain though, and from that point of view, I wish we weren’t in the same (shitty) boat.

I feel like I have to keep having these “get a grip” conversations with myself every few months. Maybe this time I can make the changes stick. This is not about getting what I want when I want it. It’s not about having or not having. It’s not a race. This a time in my life, shared with my husband, to be happy, giving and grateful. I need to capitalize on all the things that make us happy, better people, not just future parents. It’s time for me to see the bigger picture.

How are you feeling about your progress and methods in this new year? Is there anything you’re trying to change? How do you stay sane?

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