Two Good Eggs

Two cracked eggs find the sunnyside (and funny side) of trying to conceive

I held a baby, and I liked it.

on February 4, 2013

Folks, I’ve turned a corner.

I held a baby.  On purpose.  And I liked it.

I didn’t cry.  I didn’t mentally calculate how many weeks I’ve been trying to get another one of my own.  I didn’t try to smuggle him into my purse while his mama was in the bathroom.  And, most importantly – I didn’t begrudge his mama.  Instead,  I snuggled his little neck and remembered when my 4 year old was that small and how good he used to smell.  I looked at my friend and was so proud of her – for being a great mama.

Maybe it’s because I know my friend went through an infertility scare herself when trying to conceive this sweet little man.  Maybe it’s because I knew she had tried for a year to get pregnant – after having a miscarriage – and was one week away from filling her Femara prescription when she found out she was pregnant.

Maybe it’s because I realized that by sulking in my own disappointment and heartache I was indirectly wishing someone else pain.

I’d never wish someone unhappiness or ill-will.  I’d never intentionally want someone to feel the emptiness, frustration, disappointment, anger and uncertainty that I have felt for the past 18 months.  But, by rolling my eyes at every pregnant woman to walk past me, or cringing at the sight of a new mama with her snuggle-bug, I realized that I was indirectly wishing that she didn’t have that happiness.  To me, I thought I was wishing that I could have that.  But, the reality was, I was wishing these women didn’t have it if I couldn’t.

So, I was inadvertently wishing them the same pain and sadness that I was feeling.

Whoa.  Reality check.

Ever since I read “Love and Infertility,” my perspective has been shifting slowly.  Sex has been more about sex and less about the expected result.   The BBT thermometer hasn’t come out of the medicine cabinet in 3 weeks.   I’ve found myself using words like “When” instead of “IF” and am just overall a happier, less-stressed person.

And, I invited my friend to come to my work and eat lunch with me.  Hell – I even bought her lunch.  I found myself inhaling my lunch so I could get that sweet young’n out of his stroller and love on his little 5 month old cheeks.  And, not once did I find myself feeling sad or bitter.  I found myself happy and hopeful.

No, I am not a subscriber to the “hold a baby and you’ll get pregnant” philosophy.  But, I’m now a subscriber to the “holding a baby won’t break you” philosophy.

And that’s good enough for me.

6 responses to “I held a baby, and I liked it.

  1. Courtney says:

    What a great thing to accomplish – and feel good about! I don’t know that I ever really got there before we got pregnant with Matthew. I would hold babies, but I would force back tears while doing so.

    The book you’re reading sounds amazing! I wish I’d known about that when we were cycling. I could have used some balanced perspective!

  2. Kitten says:

    Good for you! I’m slowly starting to come around to babies, and even the sight of a baby bump doesn’t bring as much pain as it used to.

  3. Good on you! It actually makes you feel better doesn’t it…I’ve only just started realising this too.

  4. gardengirl29 says:

    That’s great! I’m not quite where you are, but I am finding myself smiling at babies, children, and pregnant women again, so that’s a good sign! I’m afraid that holding babies would still be painful. On the other hand, if I can’t have my own (ever or just for a while), it would be nice for me to try to enjoy other people’s kids. Anyway, congrats on turning the corner!

  5. […] I held a baby, and I liked it. […]

  6. […] around like a ping-pong ball in a dryer.  Up, down.  Happy, sad.  Rational, irrational.  Gracious, jealous.  Content, Angry.  I’m the yin to my own yang these […]

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